Selfless Repentance?

I've been reading Dark Night of the Soul, the classic of Christian mysticism by St. John of the Cross. With my ruminations on repentance this Lent, one of John's comments stood out. At this point, he is talking about those who are what he calls "spiritual beginners" and how they (we?) become overly sad when they see themselves fall into sin. John attributes this to their thinking themselves to have been saints already. Then he adds:

"Thus they become angry and impatient with themselves, which is another imperfection. Often they beseech God, with great yearnings, that He will take from them their imperfections and faults, but they do this that they may find themselves at peace, and may not be troubled by them, rather than for God's sake; not realizing that, if He should take their imperfections from them, they would probably become prouder and more presumptuous still."

All of this sparks questions and reflections for me.

First, do I think of myself as being more saintly that I am? On one hand, I can affirm that I am already a saint in Christ. Because his holiness becomes my holiness as we are united by the Holy Spirit, I am a saint. But, on the other hand, my sanctification is far from complete. Do I, with the spiritual pride to which John of the Cross refers, think of myself as being farther along than I really am? Do I expect more holiness and less struggle with sin than I should expect at this stage?

Second, is it so bad to ask God to remove my imperfections because of a yearning for peace? I believe such a desire is God-given. It is hardwired into us. It is a desire for the peace of Shalom -- that wholeness that comes as things are as God intended. That it is good. But still, John of the Cross points to a motivation that I confess I often lack, a motivation that is deeper and more profound. Which leads to a third question...

Third, when I confess my sin... when I repent... when I yearn for God to take away my "imperfections and faults," do I do that for God's sake? If I understand John of the Cross correctly, my repentance needs to be less self-centered. The yearning to be freed and forgiven from sin should grow out of desire to love the One who first loved me. My sin is an offense to God's holiness and glory. Yet that is seldom in the forefront of my mind when I make my confessions.

I think of King David's famous confession: "Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight" (Ps. 51:4).

I'm going to have to keep ruminating on this!

Aslan Rescues Eustace from Himself

Recently, I was reminded me of the scene in The Chronicles of Narnia where Eustace recounts his encounter with Aslan, when Aslan frees him from being a dragon. His description captures the notion of repentance and transformation powerfully. Do you recall this part of the story?

“Then the lion said—but I don’t know if it spoke—‘You will have to let me undress you.’ I was afraid of his claws, I can tell you, but I was pretty nearly desperate now. So I just lay flat down on my back to let him do it.
“The very first tear he made was so deep that I thought it had gone right into my heart. And when he began pulling the skin off, it hurt worse than anything I’ve ever felt. The only thing that made me able to bear it was just the pleasure of feeling the stuff peel off. You know – if you’ve ever picked the scab off a sore place. It hurts like billy-oh but it is fun to see it coming away.”
“I know exactly what you mean,” said Edmund.
“Well, he peeled the beastly stuff right off – just as I thought I’d done it myself the other three times, only they hadn’t hurt – and there it was, lying on the grass: only ever so much thicker, and darker, and more knobbly-looking than the others had been. And there was I as smooth and soft as a peeled switch and smaller than I had been. Then he caught hold of me – I didn’t like that much for I was very tender underneath now that I’d no skin on – and threw me into the water. It smarted like anything but only for a moment. After that it became so perfectly delicious and as soon as I started swimming and splashing I found that all the pain had gone from my arm. And then I saw why. I’d turned into a boy again."

I have to admit that I wept some as I reread that. C.S. Lewis captures the repentance, mortification and vivification, resurrection, baptismal washing, regeneration, etc. that I long for.

Lent Thoughts

At the start of Lent, I started posting on Facebook quotes on repentence that I had been reflecting on. Eventually, I started including reflections on love and grace too. As a way to save them and perhaps include fuller texts, I figure I'll post them here too.

"He who is alone with his sin is utterly alone...You are a sinner, a great, desperate sinner; now come, as the sinner you are, to God who loves you. He wants you as you are; He does not want anything from you, a sacrifice, a work; He wants you alone." - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

"The usual notion of what Jesus did on the cross runs something like this: people were so bad and so mean and God was so angry with them that he could not forgive them unless somebody big enough took the rap for the whole lot of them. Nothing could be further from the truth. Love, not anger, brought Jesus to the cross." - Richard Foster

"We must ask whether we have not often been deceiving ourselves with our confession of sin to God, whether we have not rather been confessing our sins to ourselves and also granting ourselves absolution. And is not the reason perhaps for our countless relapses and the feebleness of our Christian obedience to be found precisely in the fact that we are living on self-forgiveness and not a real forgiveness?" - Dietrich Bonhoeffer

"Repentence always brings a man to this point: I have sinned. The surest sign that God is at work is when a man says that and means it. Anything less than this is remorse for having made blunders, the reflex action of disgust at himself." - Oswald Chambers

"Christians find it is easier to believe that God exists than that God loves them. / In human beings, love is a quality, a high-prized virtue; in God, love is His identity." - Basil Hume / Brennan Manning

"What is your only comfort, in life and in death? That I belong—body and soul, in life and in death—not to myself but to my faithful Savior, Jesus Christ, who at the cost of his own blood has fully paid for all my sins and has completely freed me from the dominion of the devil." - 2nd Helvetic Confession

"Batter my heart, three-personed God; for, you As yet but knock, breathe, shine, and seek to mend; That I may rise, and stand, o'erthrow me, and bend Your force, to break, blow, burn and make me new." ~ John Donne

"Beloved, true repentance is sorrow for the sin itself: it has not only a dread of the death which is the wages of sin, but of the sin which earns the wages. If you have no repentance for the sin itself, it is in vain that you should stand and tremble because of judgment to come.” - Charles Spurgeon